Storied Parenting
Written by Erin and Eric Crisp
Human beings are infused with a desire to hear and live stories. We love movies and gossip. We understand ourselves by seeing the human condition played out in others. Imagine your family as the cast of characters in a story, an epic journey with inner conflict, hubris, heroic moments and humor. In every chapter of your family’s life, you are both writing new episodes and retelling your own backstory.
Young children love stories. Many of them love to hear about themselves at younger ages, and weary parents repeat those stories again and again. The early years of parenting are exhausting. Kids have little ability to escape their own egos, and as adults we have our own insecurities and flaws to manage. Days can seem like endless stretches of monotony- feed, clean, soothe, sleep, repeat.
Within this day-to-day though, there are moments that create stories. These small stories become the epic of your family, and more importantly, they illustrate the moments that will be remembered in future chapters. Just like a writer observes the world carefully when crafting a story, relating to our children in the early years involves observation and discovery. What are the sources of fear and joy for my child? What makes him laugh? What imaginary world does she create? In this season of our family life, we spend time discovering the depth of the cast of characters. The best stories have dynamic and varied characters, not carbon copies of some ideal.
In the adolescent years, there will likely be seasons of difficulty. These are prime opportunities to remind our children of their prior triumphs. “Remember when…” is an incredibly powerful conversation starter for a despondent teenager, but it won’t work if you can’t fill in the blank with a meaningful shared experience. Careful observation in childhood years provides an opportunity for a flashback later. “Remember when you were being bullied in first grade? You felt scared and angry, and do you remember what helped?” In this season of our family’s life, we see major shifts in the plot. Adolescents develop autonomy and choose to act in unexpected ways. Relating to our adolescent children involves asking questions about their actions. What do you think will happen if you do this or avoid doing this? What motivates you? How might your actions cause harm or bring joy to yourself and others? Great stories often have unpredictable plots because characters reveal the unexpected. Real life is no different.
Relating to adult children, who are living out either the positive or negative consequences of their adolescent years, is yet another chapter of your family’s story. A major shift happens as adult children begin to embrace the reality that they are authoring their own stories. Biologically and psychologically, adults can imagine the world from a variety of perspectives and it affects our actions. The role of the parent shifts, and we become characters in the stories our adult children are writing. Parents watch as the hero/heroine we love makes a choice that causes them discomfort. As parents, we continue to make space for tears, laughter, courageous confessions, and celebration, but most of all we keep living our own stories without seeking to rewrite or erase the actions or personhood of our adult children. We accept them as whole people, flawed yet beautiful just like us.
When we are immersed in a good book or story, we participate in the highs and lows of the characters, but we don’t determine the outcome. In the same way, we can learn to appreciate the beauty and complexity of our child’s story. We actively participate, but ultimately we don’t control it. Children, throughout their lives, need parents who know them intimately, engage them as whole people, and stay interested and present.
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Dr. Erin Crisp serves as Vice President of Academic Affairs and Innovation at CampusEdu. She and her husband (and co-author of this article) Rev. Eric Crisp, live in Marion, Indiana, with their 3 sons. They attend College Wesleyan Church, where Eric serves as Pastor of Discipleship.