Putting Down Roots in a Brand New Place
“A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
- John 16:32-33
No one ever teaches you how to transition into life post-college. You don’t get to take an exit course right before graduation that addresses the big life changes coming your way and how to navigate them. Some exit with excitement and anticipation for whatever comes next, while others sit in uncertainty, fear, or dread. Either way, we all blindly walk into the next season of life, no matter how many things we think we have figured out.
That was the case for me. When I graduated from college, I had plans that I was holding loosely too. And thank God for that, because He quickly started to change things all around. Two months later, I moved to a completely new state, to start a new job, in a place where I knew no one. I was 12 hours away from any friend or family who could help me transition into this new season of life. All of a sudden I had to figure out how to open a bank account on my own, learn how to budget a paycheck, register my car and get my own car insurance, figure out where to get my oil changed, where to get my teeth cleaned and my eyes checked. Thankfully, all of these things can easily be answered through a simple google search, and I was blessed with amazing co-workers who gave suggestions from their own experience.
But the one thing that was the hardest to learn, and that a google search can’t really answer for you, is how to find or be in community. And I quickly began to see that no one ever taught me how to make friends. As a child you become friends with practically anyone and everyone. As a middle schooler or high schooler you narrow down those friendships to those people you have shared interests with— sports, band, theater, etc. And then in college, community is practically handed to you. Relationships are built around similar seasons of life, similar schedules, and proximity. First semester freshmen often cling to the first friendly connection they make. And then as the years go on, often friendships get refined down to those within your major, school of study, or extracurricular involvements.
But when you leave college and enter into the hypothetical “real world” this can all be incredibly different. Like me, you may be moving to a new place where relationships already exist among the people there. It may seem everyone already has “their people.” Now you have to navigate vastly different schedules. Everyone’s work hours may not line up. The spontaneous late night ice cream runs are almost non-existent and time spent with people has to be scheduled out in advance. Many people have more commitments—spouses, kids, etc. Or sometimes, at the end of a work day you are just too tired to be social. Or maybe you don’t even know how or where to meet people! Not everyone’s community will come from their work place. So how do you meet people? Where do you go? All of these questions and conflicts can make finding community incredibly difficult in this season of life.
And that sucks–because we know we aren’t meant to live life alone. Every single one of us needs others. We need relationships with individuals who will love us, challenge us, and live life alongside us. So here’s my point in all of this: You can’t expect a community to simply be handed to you, even if it has been in the past. You have to work for it.
Maybe you are asking, where do I start, or how do I prepare myself for this transition? Well, here are four encouragements I give you from my own experience of finding deep relationships and community in a post-college world.
1. Curb Your Expectations—Your expectations can easily become stumbling blocks. So are your expectations about friendship and community helping you or hurting you? Are they empowering you to be a good friend to others? Or are they unfair toward those around you and setting you up for failure?
2. Check Your Own Insecurities—Your insecurities and doubts about yourself will come out even stronger when you are feeling lonely or isolated. Realize that everyone else’s world doesn’t revolve around you, and that their actions or lack of actions aren’t a reflection on your worth or value.
3. Push Yourself Out Of Your Comfort Zone—You have to work for your community. This often means being bold and putting yourself out there. You will never make friends if immediately after work you go home. Get out there! And don’t be afraid to invite others. Invite your co-workers out for coffee after work. Practice saying “yes”. One thing I did the first year was to always say yes when invited to doing something with people. If you don’t seem interested in spending time with people, they will stop inviting you.
4. Bring Your Full Self To The Table—If your new friends only know a false you, it can be really hard to change that later on. Besides, people who want real relationships want to be friends with you, not the version of you that you think they will like.
In all this, be okay with the fact that developing a deep community may take time. Don’t lose heart or give up, and allow God to bring the right people into your life.
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Jaena Gormong is the Student Ministry Worship Pastor at GracePoint Wesleyan Church in Brookings, South Dakota, where she works with students grade 6th through college graduates. She is passionate about seeing young Christians develop a vibrant faith. Jaena enjoys spending time with her dog, Lucy, and learning new board games with friends.